perfectly imperfect...

I have a confession to make... 

I am terrible at journaling! 

 As much as I love to write, I just can't seem to write in a journal. I guess we could say I have issues with official journals. I have always felt like things in a book are more lasting, and someday my children will read through it... I didn't want to write anything that was boring... And I always worried about what it looked like.. was my handwriting neat enough?  Should I doodle, or was that childish...

However, if I was just pouring out my feelings onto a scrap paper, or doodling my thoughts on my math homework, it was no big deal.. In fact, that writing helped me deal with some really hard times in my life. Do I wish I had all those scraps of paper I opened myself up to?  YES!  For a while I tried just keeping a box of papers I had written on.. I still have it, but it is so disorganized, I don't know I could find anything in there if I had to.  I would always go back to trying to write in an official notebook or journal, but I would only get a few entries before I would go back to my worries and scraps. 

I once again have the "urge" to keep a more organized journal... However, I know that I can't keep doing the same thing, in the same way over and over and expect to suddenly get a different outcome.. 

My newest idea that I have decided to try is keeping an Art Journal.

I don't know if this will work any better than anything else I've tried, but it sounded fun.

My basic idea for right now, is to create pages on 8x8 pieces of cardboard (I have tons from moving!).. These pages are blank canvases to play on.. I can do what ever my heart feels inspired to do at the moment. Add some thoughts (as much or as little as I feel inspired to do), and date it. 

When I first started playing around with the idea a few days ago, I struggled with the same problem as writing in an official book... I felt it had to look like a master piece... Yesterday, I realized that IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE PERFECT!  It was actually quite liberating to just add color, texture, and words without caring what any one thought about it.  Without trying to impress anyone, not even myself, I just had fun. And oddly enough, I liked the results. It isn't what I would normally think of when thinking of myself, but I guess in the moment I made it I was feeling bright and random. LOL!

No, they don't all have words on them yet...I need to get a better black marker for this. What I did write is really hard to see. =(

I don't know how long it will last, but I'm having fun with it now, and I think that is as important as anything. 

Someday my kids can dig though the box of random papers that contain some of my darkest days, they can flip thorough random cardboard art pages, they can read the emails I written to my closest friends... And maybe, somewhere between it all, they can get a glimpse of who I am when I'm not trying to be what I think I "should" to be.  

~Kassi